Urban poetry

And life has the face of a morbid game

2009-03-28T08:39:12Z

They are just small cuts, not deep enough, merely flesh wounds. Still, cuts nevertheless, and I don't know what I'm turning into anymore.

This is the story of my life (and these are the lies I have created)

2009-02-19T20:27:25Z

It has been such a long time since I've last been proud of myself. All the high expectations, hopes and promises back in high school, I've failed them all, my life stopped when I graduated. After that I've done nothing, and I thought I was happy with that. That I was happy with this life right now. In reality, I'm just standing still, living a safe bet.

I wonder if this is all my life will ever be, it sure looks like so. If I haven't managed to do anything in two years, how am I going to manage the rest of my lifetime?

all the days of my life

2009-01-03T18:49:10Z

I guess it's because I'm a little ill (nothing huge, just an irritating cough and a runny nose), but nothing really feels like anything, I'm incapable of feeling joy or pleasure or sadness... you get the idea. I'm drained of emotions and I can't keep myself interested in one thing very long. A great example: I bought two pairs of absolutely stunning shoes, spent a ridiculous amount of money on them but I still can't rejoice. I am very pleased with my purchases, though, and I love the shoes, wouldn't take them back even if I could, but I'm missing that certain kind of enthusiasm purchases like these usually cause me to feel. I hope it's just because I'm a bit sickly.

I spent New Year's at home watching movies and it was so nice. Didn't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone, and since no-one contacted me either, I was happy to spend the evening in my own company. :) Among other things, I watched Night of the Living Dead which was so bad it was almost good, but not quite. I didn't really like the ending and how on earth did Ben turn into a zombie when he was locked up in the cellar? Don't get it.

I've been productive today, I cleaned up my apartment, hung up the curtains (finally!) and then I've been working on something I plan on putting up on the wall once finished. Not going to say more about that yet, but it should look pretty nice... ;) I also had a friend come by today, not many of my friends have seen my place, I haven't really invited anyone over. Don't know why, probably because this place is still quite empty, I don't have a couch or a dining table or anything, there aren't many places to sit on (the floor is rather hard on its own, I think). And I've been lazy too, haven't really felt like inviting anyone here. My mom, aunt and grandmother are coming over tomorrow, the latter two haven't seen my apartment and they're curious. I'm not too eager for them coming over but it's better to get it over and done with, so.

I think I'll go watch a film now. Like Ninth Gate.

blinded - no more?

2008-12-24T18:39:25Z

Christmas has got to be the most useless holiday out there. Well, at least Christmas in this family, it's nothing but an excuse to eat a lot and measure the worth of people by the amount of gifts they get. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but really, my mother is the only one who still insists on sticking to the old traditions from my childhood - I loved them back then, now I'm just tired and don't care. This will be the last time I'll even attempt to celebrate Christmas, next year I'll just forget all about this holiday, refuse to even acknowledge it.

I don't know why I even came here (to my parents' place), because I'm getting more and more miserable by the minute and there's no way escaping. I can't get home before tomorrow and the evening is still young. How much longer must I endure this madness? In a way it's interesting though, the sudden and such a fierce change in my mood - this place really is suffocating me and I waste all my energy on trying to fight it (even though it's useless, as long as I stay here I can't escape these feelings).

My world has gone insane.

This isn't working

2008-12-20T22:40:11Z

I've been watching Doctor Who like a crazy person, I started perhaps a week ago or so and I'm almost finished with the second season. Can't understand why I never took interest in the series before. It's just beyond my understanding, because this is... brilliant. ♥

I'm so glad I have a day off tomorrow. I was supposed to have a workday but then I gave my shift to J, luckily she took it. Sure Sundays are double pay but right now all I need is some me-time, I haven't even realised just how tired I am, but today after I got home from work all I've wanted to do is sleep. And knowing I have a day off tomorrow feels so liberating and relaxing. :) The next three weeks will be lighter as well, I'll work 18h/week which is a reasonable amount, considering there are all these holidays (Christmas, New Year's, Epiphany), but if it continues like that the whole January I'll be in trouble, since working only 18 hours per week is way too little, I have a rent to pay and I need to eat too... I'm sure everything will be fine though. It's not like I live from hand to mouth, no. But it's still nice to earn enough money to not have to worry about whether or not I can afford to buy food, other necessities and occasionally treat myself something not-so-useful. :)

Lately, I've been thinking about life, it's a curiosity like no other, really. And why so many people take it so seriously, I cannot comprehend. I know I used to be one of them, maybe in some level I still am, but I've acquired a very different way to view the world now. It might not be anything new or shocking but it feels like the right way for me, I've never before felt this much at peace with life, myself, the world around me. I can't take life seriously anymore. Everything's merely a game, though this game isn't about winning or losing. It's about playing the game. And the idea, to me, is to not become part of the system and to develop a unique way to play. It sounds absurd, I know, but that's just the way I view things these days. I don't mean to underrate life, this is just the way the human mind works - to make an epitome of an abstract idea into something more tangible, more everyday, more... familiar. I'm no different, and it's okay. I've given up on pursuing being unique and different, it doesn't matter anymore, for my way of living sets me apart from other people anyway, and the way I do things is typical to me and combined with all the other aspects of me, creates the person I am and there's no-one exactly like me. And to me, I'm unique and in the end that's all that matters. :)

Da da da dum

2008-11-30T21:40:41Z

I've been on a David Bowie high since yesterday evening when I watched Labyrinth. How gorgeous is he as the Goblin King Jareth? I think he's gorgeous anyway, though perhaps these days he's more handsome and not so feminine anymore. Since I knew next to nothing about Bowie and the only song I could name from him was Starman, I decided to familiarise myself with his music. And 'tis good, I'm actually really enjoying his music! Can't listen to anything else for a while.

Other than that... December begins tomorrow, where on earth did the time go? It feels like 2008 has been going on for ages but at the same time I find myself wondering didn't it just begin. My life was so different a year ago, I was so much more unbalanced, discontent, and lost. Back then had someone told me I would actually be happy in one year, I don't think I would have believed them, no way. But here I am! :)

I wouldn't change my experiences for nothing for they've made me the person I am today and had I not gone through such dark periods now, getting through them later could have been impossible. Besides, I think I know myself a lot better now, understand my wants and needs, and that's the most important thing.

I try to see before it's too late

2008-11-27T21:20:16Z

I'm a bit worried about myself, I think I'm once again overworking myself and it's starting to show. I'm tired, moody and paranoid these days, the past couple of days have been rather hard for me, I've felt my old insecurities coming back (and I thought I had gotten rid of them altogether). I've learnt to stress less, but now I'm starting to feel that whatever I do, it's never enough and I should do more. I counted that this month I've worked approximately 38 hours per week, so I can't really talk about 'not doing enough', right? I'm not complaining about the amount of hours I've spent at work, I didn't have to take the extra shifts (but I wanted to, because more hours mean more money and I'm greedy...). I know, thought, that if I keep doing this for long, it'll come down to choosing between money and sanity - and I think I already know which one to choose. I don't want it to get that far though, I've been down that road once and I do not want to go there again. At least this time I'm aware of where I'm going and know what might happen if I don't slow down.

I was doing so well up till now, yesterday especially was very difficult for me, but I'm feeling a bit better today and everything doesn't seem so hopeless anymore. For a moment last night all my darkest thoughts came back to me, though, and I remembered what it was like to let them rule my life... It would have been so easy to let go of everything I've worked for, all the positivism, hopes, dreams and ambitions - what do they matter anyway? But I see now that they do, and I know I'm on a right path right now, and I deserve to be happy too and show it to the world, as well. I'm not going to let my depression beat me, not now and not ever, I'm strong enough to fight it.

I'm glad I have a day off tomorrow (the only one this week), even though I do not have time to 'relax' too much, as I'm going to my hairdresser's and after that I should meet up with a friend to go shopping a bit. And then my weekend will be spent at work, I'm dreading Saturday a bit, people are usually so stressed out that day, I wonder why it is so. Or in general, why do people stress so much over freetime? Is free time really that scarce that these days every minute must be planned beforehand, so that there'll definitely be enough time to enjoy your free time and get everything done? Isn't that a bit sick? Sundays are always much nicer and people more pleasant, Saturdays are hell.

Oh, and I still do not get it - why stress over Christmas so much? What do you think, does Christmas stress you out in any way?

the road goes ever on and on

2008-11-23T16:25:12Z

I hate hate hate HATE snow and winter. Snow is slippery, wet, cold and when it's snowing like it is right now outside (a lot) you can't see a thing and have no idea where you're going. Everything was still fine on Friday when I left (I'll come back to that a bit later) and now that I come back, everything's white and there's snow everywhere. And it seems like we'll be getting even more during the night. I am not pleased. :(

So, anyway. I had a three-day weekend and instead of spending it at home doing nothing, I headed for Lappeenranta to see one of my oldest friends and her family (aka her husband and their son who also happens to be my godson). I was a bit shocked when I got to Lappeenranta and saw all the snow they already had there, it was... weird. Like I said, no snow in Helsinki still on Friday, so it felt peculiar to be surrounded by all the snow. I was still living autumn, not winter. I guess I now have no other choice than to accept the fact that winter is here. Boo. I really enjoyed my time in Lappeenranta, though. I can't tell you how nice it was to get out of the town for a couple of days and just relax and not think about any everyday stuff. I had also had an eight-day workweek before my short 'holiday', so this break was more than needed.

My godson is about 6 months old, and he is so adorable (and I don't usually like children). Even though he had a bit of a flu while I was there, he was usually in a very good mood, was attentive, smiled a lot and happily played with his toys. Cute. ♥ I can't wait to see him grow and learn new things, seeing a new life developing like this is actually really fascinating... I still don't want to have children of my own, having a godson is enough for me. :)

I also noticed that my allergies aren't as severe as they were when I was younger. Cats were always the biggest allergen for me, and even though I noticed that my eyes got itchy and my skin was a bit red (there are two cats in the family as well), it wasn't unbearable to be around the cats or even pet them. I still wouldn't go and get myself a cat (even though I'd very much like to) but it was nice to notice that I didn't get as bad symptoms as I used to. Well, I don't think I could keep any animal alive for long, considering that I've managed to kill two cactuses by forgetting to water them. :D I think that's hilarious.

Oh, oh! I've also got a new baby, a new laptop and it's shiny and very pretty! I'll get rid of this huuuge desktop (though I'm keeping the 22" screen just for watching films), it takes way too much space. First I just need to transfer all my files from this computer to the laptop. I'll get to that... later. Next week.

Now I think I must go unpack and take a shower, and then if I have time before going to bed, I might watch some film. I bought 4 new DVDs from Lappeenranta, hee!

I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss

2008-11-12T20:18:34Z

I had a day off today, and the initial plan was to get up fairly early and go shopping a bit. Early, in order to avoid the rush hour. Well, what happened in reality was that I got up around 10 am (when I first had planned to be ready to go) and what followed was over three hours of 'getting ready'. Admittedly, I had to take a shower, so that always adds at least 30 mins. to my schedule, but it was ridiculously hard for me to get out of the house today. At first I didn't feel like going anywhere at all, I though I didn't want to see any people etc. etc.

At first, it actually seemed that I had made the wrong decision of going shopping, all the shops were full of nothing, and I was getting desperate. There were many 'nice' things, but nothing that would make my brain shut down (which usually happens when I find something I know I must have :P). When I had gone through my favourite shops (the ones that usually never fail me) I got so furious that I made my way to a small shoeshop in Bulevardi, I knew I'd find something to my liking there...

Authentic Minna Parikka shoes. ♥ From her Fall/Winter 08 collection, when I saw these babies on her website I just knew I had to get them. And I must say, they're perfect. Doesn't feel like you're wearing high heels at all, they're so comfortable. And so red. These will look awesome paired with an all-black outfit.

After I had bought these shoes, I somehow started finding other stuff too, so in the end besides the shoes, I brought home a turquoise skirt (so lovely!), a lace blouse, an off-white knitted scarf and a huge warm cardigan to keep me warm in the winter. So after all, I'm very pleased with my purchases. :)

I can't stop staring at my new shoes with a huge smile on my face! :D

This is so much love. ♥

what is it that makes you so unnaturally natural?

2008-11-11T19:03:04Z

People who actually appreciate us shop assistants and the work we do for them, are just so wonderful. One elderly gentleman was so wholehearted with his praises today that I didn't really know what to say to him but thank over and over again. More customers like that, please. ♥ It's not my fault you have a bad day, so why on earth is it so easy to lash out on a complete stranger? It's funny really, how we Finns are usually very shy when it comes to compliments or saying something nice but whenever something's wrong, no matter what the place or situation - since we've been wronged, the whole world must know and there always must be a culprit, a scapegoat, someone to blame. Sometimes people are just so unbelievable. /rant

Ever since I got home today I've had this feeling I'm good for nothing and the fact that I have no plans concerning my future is leading me to my ruin. This will pass, it always does, but right now I feel as if I'm floating in nothingness, I feel a bit too weightless, too detached from the life around me. I don't think I have anything to worry about, though. It's just this hour of the day, perhaps I've been alone too long, doing nothing. Gives thoughts like these time to form and take an ugly shape. I'll be fine tomorrow. :)

Payday was yesterday and I'd very much like to spend something on myself, aka do some shopping. I found this one awesome coat online but I'm still debating whether or not to get it:

I've been lusting after a tail coat as long as I can remember, and this is nearly perfect. I know winter is coming, but it wouldn't be too cold yet to wear that.

This dress would be on sale right now, I'm not sure which colour to take? First I thought black, naturally, but then again the white one looks very nice as well, and somehow the rainbows look a bit better against a white background?

What do you think? Should I buy the coat? Which colour of the dress is better?